Tuesday, January 8, 2013

a weary fifteen minutes

In November when I had to write something each day, I couldn't go by mood or the editor in my head. I had to find a post. I've been looking for a post for this new year and there is nothing peppy or fun to report and I don't want to take this blog into a sad dive of Why I Should Go See Someone.

When I was a junior in high school, I was curled up at one end of the couch crying. During another crying episode, my mom explained to my brother that this was hormones and I laughed a little and cried more. This time, on the couch, Mom asked if I needed to see someone. I don't think we ever talked about therapy as a real option before that day and when I thought for a moment - likely a teary, snotty moment - and said no, I didn't think I needed to see someone, we didn't talk about therapy as a real option again.

I'm reading this book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. In college I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and fudged a few of my answers to skew more extrovert. I knew how it worked and extrovert sounded more fun. But this week, running through the introvert checklist, I'm there. I think I always was, but I'm much happier living it now - though I am not living as introvertedly as I'd like. I'll talk more about that in another post. But one characterization of introverts is sensitivity. Another is thinking a lot. Check, check.

And I write most of it down when I need to put words to what is happening in my mind and heart. So while I have thought about paying a therapist to do something to help me understand something, I find great solace in the friendships I have here and a church family that lets me ask questions. And revelation in my prayer and journaling. Usually teeny tiny revelations. I wait for the wild, big truths that knock me over.

I've written before about saying goodbye to friends. Such an expat experience to make a fast friend and carry deep experiences and conversations with that friend and then say goodbye as quickly. And I can't keep all the friends I say goodbye to and that hurts in an achey way until I think about something else.

So yesterday I learned that two good friends of ours are leaving Kuwait on Sunday. And I spent most of the afternoon and evening swallowing shock and waiting to think how this really worked. Last night I lay in bed crying because I will miss them very much, but also because I am so weary of saying goodbye. Saying goodbye means you miss them more later.


Anonymous said...

I know.
I am scattered all over the world, and the richness of that doesn't always make up for the sadness of it.

jsmarslender said...

Oh, Mom, I sure do love you.

christy said...

Well, it's nice to know that someone misses you when you get somewhere and have to start at the begining again, and don't really want to even if you are an extrovert.

Let's think about having tea on the weekend sometime soon.

Kristine Webster said...

I cannot recommend counseling strongly enough! (somehow counseling sounds more acceptable than therapy, though I couldn't define the difference if you forced me to.) I have struggled with depression my whole life, but didn't realize how bad it truly had gotten until a few years ago when your mom sat me down and watched a wonderful Chonda Pierce video with me. I resisted counseling because "I have plenty of amazing and wonderful friends who I can talk to." But, the thing is, they know me, they know my quirks and my weaknesses and because they love me they don't want to hurt me so they are hesitant to challenge me. I have learned so much in counseling and been challenged in so many building ways. Maybe now is not the time for you, I don't know. But when you think it might be time, find someone, see them more than once, and see if you feel better afterwards. Also, feel free to email me if you want to chat about it more. :)