Sunday, November 25, 2012

knee news

I went to a different physical therapist today and

and

and

The knee is still in trouble and there is still no big name for this trouble but the hope is that with continued physical therapy exercises, the supporting muscles will do a better job of supporting the knee joint and underdeveloped underused forgotten misplaced muscle groups will step up and join the party to keep my legs walking and someday running again.

Sprinkle commas liberally in that sentence.

What remains a mystery is why my knee swells every couple of weeks. There is no great pain preceding the swelling or suffered during the swelling so there is still no answer as to why my knee puffs up so often.

When the physical therapist asked me what I do when my knee swells, I told him I cry. And that I also ice. I didn't say that neither seem to do much good.

But as for hope and waiting patiently, I have started to imagine running again. I am not running now. I won't run for awhile yet. And before I would think of running and start crying or get angry because it was gone gone gone and I didn't deserve to run because I'd made it such a Big Deal and was selfish about the time it took and and and - I just ate up all the ugly parts of being injured and self-pitying and I assumed I simply deserved to lose something I enjoyed so much.

I turned this injury and rest into a really big punishment. I made it mean.

What I didn't do for a couple of months is say out loud that I thought God wanted me to take a break. That there was something to learn from a season of rest. Rest is good. Bodies and minds need rest. But we don't always want what we need. Right now, I would much rather have my mundane running routine than sit with a swollen knee and a list of physical therapy exercises. But I need rest from the running and I need to become stronger so that I can run again.

Funny that rest should now provide strength.

But hope, again: I have started to imagine running. Here is what I picture: a favorite road in Wisconsin, autumn or early spring, cool enough for long sleeves pulled over my hands. Or: sweating a fartlek on the treadmill while watching water trucks cross the desert and sun come up over the Gulf. Or: a place I haven't been, a trail somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, green enough and clean enough to make me think of heaven.

I don't feel defiant in my hope, but assured: this rest is good and I will run again.

1 comment:

Steve said...

Yesterday morning I woke up every hour seemingly. 2 AM, 3 AM, 4 AM... thinking gosh this is warm. Probably cold outside, this bed is nice. I didn't run.

Today I ran, and thought, I have been injured the last two years. Train for this... injury.

I don't know what this year holds for me, but I never had a problem what you are having. Sounds hard. Thanks for letting us in on your frustration. That is part of life too right??