Wednesday, November 7, 2012

gone fishing

Last night I was frustrated that I was frustrated. Parenting has knocked my pride and made me see my selfishness. I think I've talked about that here before. But I don't say that to moan about how awful I am or worry that I will never be anything but a proud selfish person. I don't believe that. But I do believe there is a constant battle between my flesh and my spirit and parenting simply brings that to the front. I can't always have what I want. That doesn't make me unique. You can't always have what you want either, but that doesn't make me feel better.

I want easy bedtimes. I think I can have that. But I also think I need to yeild to who we are right now. A high energy daughter and a tired mama in the evenings. Okay. Then what?

I have so very little figured out in the realm of parenting. I enjoy parenting most when I just love the kids, when I look past the fit or the no nap or the food on the floor. A couple months ago, another mom friend and I were talking about the Seattle Fish Market philosophy: Play, Make Their Day, Be There, Choose Your Attitude. It's a catchy foursome of great ideals that turned into a book and video and the Go get 'em pep talk of many business and education meetings since. But after watching it at a staff meeting this year, I started thinking: I need this as a mama!

A lot of ideas crash into each other. God speaks of joy and freedom and peace. And I pray to understand and accept those gifts in daily ways. And then I think about the Fish philosophy and put that next to my parenting and see just how consumed I can be with getting parenting right. But parenting (life! changes!) is incremental and I cannot see what the next year brings or how our now plays out in a decade. I can be okay with this.

1 comment:

Steve said...

You hit a very tough truth about all of us.

How we feel on the inside. We have very little control over that.

You cannot turn a corner and say I am going to love people, because I decided it.

Love is a feeling, and it isn't always there. We get frustrated and angry, and mad, and yeah sometimes we want to do stuff just for us.

In those ways life is really hard. We want to be a certain way, but looking inside our self we see someone probably less than who we'd really like to be.