Thursday, April 22, 2010

pregnancy update: quickening

I went to my nineteen week appointment yesterday. For some reason, I got stuck in the loop of have regular four-week appointments the week previous to what I think of as the Pregnancy Milestone Weeks. That's okay because I like odd numbers better.

Anyway, I sat down and Dr. S asked how I was feeling. I almost cried on the cab ride to the hospital. During the past week I cried at more news articles than usual. So I said, "I'm feeling very emotional. Hormones."

He nodded.

Yes. I have decided to stay with Dr. S. I did ask around about another big hospital in the city and learned that their delivery room policy doesn't even allow for fathers to attend; I am not comfortable with some of the other facilities available here. So Boy will be born at the Royale Hayat, unless he arrives in the car. And if the hospital says no to an attending doula, Justin will be summer reading birth stories and doula blogs. Just like me.

(I still have mixed feelings about all of this. I would rather have a midwife, labor and deliver at home, and not see a pair of stirrups. But I have also talked with other patients of Dr. S and I think he really is respectful of my decision to have a second natural birth, even if he doesn't understand why I want that. That might need to be enough right now. I do not want to confuse visualizing a strong, healthy, and safe delivery with a fantasizing about the perfect birth story).

So back to being emotional. (If I ever entirely left that). I don't remember being weepy during my pregnancy with Claire. I was elated and terrified by the prospect of being a mama. This time I don't feel quite so worried about whether or not I'll mess up my children, but I worry about the world in which we are raising them. There is so much that is garbage about this world. So many terrible things that could happen. Today I found myself thinking that agoraphobia was just a teensy bit appealing, along with avoiding newspapers and unplugging the phone. I found myself listing places we could live and realizing: nowhere is safe. I already knew that - it made it easier to leave the States understanding that we could get schmucked on a county highway in Wisconsin as easily as our bus could slip on a mountain curve in Colombia. (Don't make me pick one).

I talked with Justin about this: realizing just how much I have no control over when it comes to my babies. And I've started to see something about me. I spend a lot of time reading articles and opinions and learning about what it going on in this world - good, bad, ugly - but I don't spend nearly as much time reading or absorbing what God says about living in this world. I do not believe He wants me to live in fear. So I need to learn how to daily walk secure in Him, being wise and careful, but not being consumed by fear.

On the ultrasound, Boy pushed his arms and legs, held one hand in a fist and the other open over his face. "Amazing," I said, and Dr. S nodded.

"You feel the baby now?"

"Yes. A little."

"That is called 'quickening.'" Dr. S wrote something on my chart and looked up, "You are textbook. Right on. Keep doing what you're doing."

I was still thinking about that word quickening. When a mother feels those first whisper kicks of the baby growing inside her. I feel the baby move and I pause, wait for more, want more, my hand placed over my belly.

I think I feel my spirit quickening too.


Anonymous said...

you are your mother's daughter. but God's word truly is the antidote to fear... when i am in it, i can fly! abide.
love, mom

Anonymous said...

When I was pregnant we likened it to feeling butterfly wings in your tummy. We all like to feel we are in control :) and we all worry about the world and our kids, no matter how old they get! A certain amount of worry is normal. All you can do is live your life and have faith. Rollene