Saturday, February 27, 2010

clarifying: what i figured out

So after saying I don't want to blab about inner-workings, I still think I need to add a bit:

The couple of months that I spent questioning the course of my life, past decisions and future unknowns, were a cruddy couple of months. I think most people do this - overanalyze and wonder what if...? - and while that introspection can lead to valuable realizations and deeper personal or spiritual insights, being in the middle of all that thought can be difficult. You can lose perspective or shift events, or rely on current feelings of doubt or despair rather than recalling moments of sureness or clarity. Muddling around. And the thing is, I tend to keep most of these muddling thoughts to myself, and that can be a dark spiral.

I do have a few close family and friends that can show me light when I sense only dark. And sometimes they say what I don't want to hear, but what I need to hear.

As for being a shy Christian... My sister-in-law Joie posted a comment about acknowledging God in everything we do and that for her, "that means being deliberate in expressing His presence in my life so that He gets the glory for anything good that comes of it." After being raised in a Christian home and growing in that faith at a young age, I am only just beginning to return to earnestly seeking God. Despite being familiar with the tenants of Christianity, and despite having lived a faithful life for a period, I now feel like a child relearning how to believe and trust and hope and pray and walk. And so I am keenly aware of all my imperfections, my "not-quite-Christian-enough" parts. I do wonder if others know that I am a Christian by the way I speak and act. Sometimes. And sometimes not.


Anonymous said...

I love you, Sweet-Girl! Mom

The Salty One said...

Congrats on baby #2! I have been horribly terrible about keeping up with blogs, so I apologize I am so late to the party here :)

I wish you lots of luck on developing your relationship with God. I wish I was so in-tune with my spirituality. I feel the need more than even being a mom now, but being raised a Catholic I have a hard time turning to the only religion I know. Maybe you will inspire me!

When are you due with your #2?

N.D. said...

I do this what if stuff all the time. It's killer.

The Chapples said...


I am pretty quiet about my faith too (I think you called it a "shy Christian"). I am still trying to find my way with it all after a lapse and it's good to know there are others out there with similar beliefs!

Angela and David Kidd said...

As someone who doesn't have much spirituality but finds myself jealous of those who do take my opinion for what it's worth, but in the end I think it is those that question and "re-learn" their beliefs that have the truest relationships.

Joanna Goodman said...

you said it well, Sarah. really well.

For me it's about every day learning those things, too, and trying to apply. It's just about loving Jesus and trusting Him. I really liked what Joie wrote, too. There's also a time and a place, I think, to say things or not to say certain things. I don't want to be shy about my faith, but there are times when actions speak louder than words.

I love what you said about earnestly seeking God. I feel like I'm coming back to that place, too. That this is something I must commit myself to unlike any other time in my life, despite having believed in Jesus since I was young. There's more for us, from glory to glory living with our King. The whole idea that Jesus really is everything to me, and I must and want to live accordingly...

ah, I also must say that I miss you and hope you're doing well these days :) I am feeling very pregnant, and we must skype soon :)

jsmarslender said...

Thanks for the comments, all. It was a bit much for me to put myself out there like this. : )